DOC REVIEWS INDY 4

MINOR SPOILERS.
READING THIS MIGHT SAVE YOU NINE DOLLARS AND THREE YEARS OF THERAPY DEALING WITH THE DEATH OF YOUR CHILDHOOD.

A FEW YEARS AGO:

Let's picture a scene, shall we? We are somewhere, deep in the Dreamworks movie lot. As we pass numerous office buildings, we zoom into one, and up to a closed metal door, with no window. Behind the door is some crazy (yet, strangely subdued chatter), something has got the people in this room extremely excited. We pass through the door, only to find a board room. A half dozen people are jammed around a conference table, gesticulating wildly. But we notice that the voices are a little subdued, hushed even. It is as if this meeting is top secret. We can barely make out snippets of conversation:
"Yes, I cannot believe that Harrison is going to do it!"
"We have got to make this one count! The fans have waited too long."
"I have got some good ideas."
"Yeah, but we have to get the feel right. Ya know, the dialogue, the action scenes."
"Yeah, yeah, and for heaven's sake, no CGI. Let's roll this old school."
"Let's get the original team, especially the writers. What's Larry up to these days?"

Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.

The entire room goes quiet.

The knock sounds again. A desperate, whiny voice (a Kermit the Frog voice) comes from behind the baracade.
"You Guys! You Guys! C'mon, you guys! I know that you're in there . . ."

From inside the room, several people make a low shhhhh sound. A man with a small, neat beard raises his voice to just above a whisper, "If we are really quiet, maybe he'll think we've gone away."

From outside the room, we hear, "C'mon, guys. Lemme in. This isn't fair."

The bearded man sighs, and begins to stand. There is a chorus of whispered no's, and dont's. But he just sadly shakes his head. As he walks toward the door, one last voice comes to him from the table,
"Stevie, at least make him do the Truffle Shuffle."

Steven Spielberg waves them off, and opens the door.

Behind it, George Lucas stands there, dancing like a kid needing to pee. "Hey, Stevie," he dances back and forth, "Wh-wh-what ya doin'?"

Steven sighs, "Oh, uh, hiya George. Not much. What's up with you?"

"You guys havin' a meeting?" George asks, trying to peer around Steven, and into the room.

"Meeting? Naw, just a little brainstorming session. Ya know, thinking about future projects like Tin Tin, Schindler's List 2, (cough cough) ahem Indy 4."

"I knew it!" Lucas yells, pumping his fist into the air. There is a collective groan from the room behind Steven. "Ya gotta let me in, Steven. It's in my contract. I created Indy."

Steven lets out the mother of sighs and then opens the door.

George walks into the room. He looks around, grins, and says, "How do you guys feel about aliens?"

*Thanks to Ryan C. for allowing me top steal and modify this analogy*


LAST NIGHT AT AROUND 2:34 A.M.

I took my six year old son to his first midnight movie experience, last night, and I will cherish that memory forever . . . no matter what other franchise they decide to destroy.

I can not begin to tell you the anticipation that I had for the new Indiana movie. I can catagorically say that I looked forward to this movie far more than any of the "new" Star Wars movies. Indy has always been my favorite of Harrison Ford's characters. Even when ridiculously silly events are happening on screen, Ford helps me suspend disbelief, and breathes a sense of credibility just with a subtle twitch of facial muscle, and the steely glint in his eyes.

Add that to the fact that the Indy series has always relied on practical effects and matte paintings, rather than the computer generated abominations that pranced around the Star Wars prequels, and you have one happy fanboy that can escape the reality of middle America for a couple of hours.

Unfortunately, Lucas has tarnished all of the old Spielberg magic by insisting on a subpar script, way too much CGI, and a Jar Jar Binks stupidity that permeates the entire second half of the movie. How do I know that it is Lucas? Because of the countless interviews that I read from him, where he stated that all of the silly crap that I hated about this film, he was responsible for.

The worst thing about this movie is that after almost twenty years of waiting for Indy, Marion, and their offspring, we didn't get Indy, and their child was more Marion than Marion was. I don't know who gave Marion Ravenwood the Lithium, but she walks around in a daze, with a silly grin on her face, the entire movie. There is no hint of the witty banner, the sly seduction, and the overall Rosie-the-Riveter grit from the first film. Instead, there is a vacuous old maid, who laughs at Indy's crazy antics, and gives enduring smiles. Seriously, what the . . . ?

And Indy? When did he become a giant wuss? I mean, there are moments that he really feels like Indiana Jones. There are moments when he delivers lines that made me want to cheer. There were a couple of times when I thought that this really was a throwback to my childhood. But those times were few and far between. I don't know what they were thinking, but when 90% of Indy's dialogue is exposition, the audience tends to lose interest really darn quick, especially if the overall story is just ludicrously silly.

Actually, one of the best things about this movie was Shia. I remember liking him when I saw him in Holes, and although the orignial purity and innocence that made him so appealing was not evident in this film, he still continues to grow as an actor. I was not a big Transformers fan, but I liked him in that movie, and I liked him in Indy 4. It is just too bad they made him do that one really stupid thing with the monkeys and the vines . . . On the plus side, one of the genuine "chill" moments that gave me fanboy goose pimples was his, and that came at the end of the movie. . .

Lastly, and most importantly. I HATE CGI! There, I said it. CGI freakin' sucks. Ok, it is one thing to use it to make a dinosaur walk or a killer ant attack, but come on, George and Steven! Why?! WHY!? The entire second half of the movie had everything that I hated about the prequels. The other Indy movies were so great, and largely because of their incredible production, sets, and practical effects. Why did they have to make an entire jungle chase be CGI? They couldn't have tried to find someway of recreating the Raiders truck chase? No, they had to rely on green screens and crappy Lucasfilm effects. It is amazing that a team that absolutely revolutionized movie storytelling, and created modern special effects, have sold their souls to the "easy way out" (or the dark side for you star wars fans) of CG effects. Nothing looks real anymore.

I will not go to any more Lucas movies. I am burned out and ticked off. Thanks for raping my heroes George. You did it with Star Wars, and now you did it with Indy.

The one good thing to come out of this experience was that I got to take my six year old. He will always remember that he and daddy went to that midnight show together. I wouldn't change that for all the world. I just wish that the movie had been worth the wait.