I have a (secret) dream...

I apologize for the late post. The ethernet port on our computer died randomly so I didn't have access to the Internet for a day or so. This was supposed to go up yesterday...

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I know what you're thinking - I would be a terrible spy. I talk too much, I'm not physically fit, and I have no ninja skills.

But in my dream, it didn't matter. The CIA needed my help! They were having a problem with the local jail system, so they needed me to go undercover as a convicted criminal inside the system.

They set me up with a backstory and put me in the slammer without even telling the warden about my mission. My first thought upon entering the prison grounds was This doesn't seem so bad. My second thought was I hope I don't get raped.

The prison looked more like a university campus than a jail. The food was served like a college cafeteria, where you pick out what you want, then pay for it. There was a shopping area, a gym, and even classrooms for learning...

And that's it. I've forgotten the rest of the details, but I do remember "breaking out" of the prison to go on a super-secret mission that involved the President and pipes hidden inside a reservoir. It was all terribly exciting, unlike this waste of a blog post. If my stupid computer hadn't broken, I would have told you the entire tale.

Que sera.

So how is everyone doing? I haven't heard from anyone in a while. Was Christmas good? Any complaints? Seen any good movies? ? ?

I have a dumb dream.

There I was, driving through Nowhere, Kansas, when the van began to drive funny. My grip on the steering wheel tightened as it began to wobble and vibrate under my fingers.

I slowed to a stop on a residential street, under a canopy of orange and yellow leaves, and got out of the van. As I glanced down, I was dismayed to realize that both of the tires on the driver’s side had gone flat. I looked at the other side of the van and saw that those tires were fine. Did I hit something on this side? I wondered.

I looked to my left and just a little ways off I saw a car repair store. Pleased at this bit of good luck, I got back in the van and turned to the kids in the back.

And then I realized that they weren’t my kids, but rather a van full of high school kids. I was the youth minister of a church, and I was in the process of driving these hooligans to camp.

The rest of the dream involved me arguing with the girls at the car repair place over the price ($350 for two tires? And a $33 service fee?) and trying to get the teens to eat some snacks so I wouldn’t have to stop again for a while. The whole ordeal ended up taking several hours, and we still had 8+ hours worth of driving to do. Mentally exhausted by this realization, I got back in the van and we drove on…

Then I woke up.

Why do so many of my dreams involve driving? Why do so many involve arguing? Why (as my brother Derin said this morning) are they so dumb?

Other people get exciting dreams about flying and being famous, but I get stupid “My car broke down” nonsense.


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When I got to my car this morning to drive to work, I had to check. All four tires were fine.

No new spoilers in this post...

Well...

I certainly didn't think I gave away any spoilers, and after going back through my last post I still don't think I did. If you've seen even one preview for the movie, you know A) Will Smith is the last man on earth and B) there are creatures attacking.

I mentioned a virus, but not where it came from, who is responsible, or what part it has played in the story (although it is all revealed in the first 15 minutes).

I mentioned Smith's conversations with people, which isn't a spoiler because there are flashbacks sprinkled throughout, starting at about 5 minutes in.

The only quasi-spoiler I revealed was that the creatures are allergic to the sun, but only because I wanted to make a comparison to the book. As I said, in the book the creatures are vampires, in the film they are not. I don't want somebody to see the movie on my recommendation, then say "They weren't vampires! I hated it!" The book is awfully famous...

Anyway, I apologize if I spoiled anything, but trust me, I really didn't. You'll still have a blast with this film. I really liked it.

I Am Legend

Wow.

Last night I went with two friends from my old work to see "I Am Legend." Not only did we see it on opening night, but we saw it on a sold-out IMAX screen at the best theater in town. This was perfect because A) IMAX has the best picture and sound B) The people in the auditorium paid extra to see it IMAX, which meant they were serious about being there - no cell phone interruptions, no talking, etc. and C) The IMAX version had six minutes of footage from the new Batman movie "The Dark Knight" which comes out next summer.

The Batman footage was really great. The scene was a bank robbery and appeared to be the introduction of the Joker to the film. It was well-filmed and entertaining in a way that reminded me of Batman Begins (which makes sense, eh?). I'm now officially excited to see this movie.

Some studio reps were on-hand and they gave everyone questionnaires to fill out after the movie. Based on my own experience and the opinions of my friends, the movie is going to make a boat-load of money.

I Am Legend is the story of a man who is alone in the world. I won't give too much away, but a mutated virus has killed most of the population and turned them into creatures that are allergic to sunlight. In the original book it is based on, the creatures are vampires, but in this movie they don't seem to be.

Anyway, because of the premise, the tone is low-key and the dialogue is mostly between Will Smith and his dog. They roam an empty city, looking for signs of life in the day, then hole up in a house at night, hoping the creatures don't find them. It's sad, scary, tense, and ultimately very entertaining.

Not only that, but I don't remember any real swearing in the movie, and for the first time in a while they actually don't make Christians look like idiots. Surprise!

I recommend this movie wholeheartedly and I hope the studio makes a ton of cash so they make more movies like it. And who knew the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire would turn into such a movie star? Will Smith is an amazing actor in this movie, and I give him kudos for making his character believable.

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In other news, my kids are sick. Again. Ethan and Callie both have fevers and runny noses. Ethan keeps saying he feels like he is going to throw up, and today he said he felt like the room was tilting and he would roll off of the couch.

They always seem to get sick on the weekend, which sucks. Now I'll get sick again, except I won't be able to get off work because I've already missed twice since I started. At IKON I went for more than a year without being sick, but now suddenly I've turned into a petri dish for whatever virus my kids got this week.

Tonight I've been coughing a ton and my throat tickles, so I just took some DayQuil. I had hoped to be off of it for a while (I used almost three bottles of the crap in the past three weeks), but I'm addicted again, I guess.

Stupid viruses.

I have a (terrifying) dream!

As my kind, loving sister so aptly pointed out, I have failed.

I actually had a topic ready for last night, but I was so emotionally devastated that I couldn’t bring myself to write it out. I know that sounds silly, so let me explain…

On Wednesday night I went to bed expecting a normal (twitchy) night of random dreams. I’ve written about some of my odd dreams on here already, but this one was so real, it affected my entire day yesterday.

I was out driving around with my sister Devon and my three kids. We decided to stop at a comic book store (I haven’t been in a comic book store in more than 10 years) because I was looking for a comic book series based on the movie “Army of Darkness.”

“Army of Darkness” is a great film. If you haven’t seen it, I suggest finding “Evil Dead 2” and watching them back-to-back. They are horror movies, but incredibly funny. And there really IS a comic book based on them.

I got out of the car and we went inside and started looking around. Suddenly, I panicked, realizing that I had left Callie in the car by accident. I ran outside and found her asleep in her car seat, none the wiser.

“That’s why I forgot her,” I thought. “She wasn’t making any noise. Well, we won’t be much longer. I’ll let her sleep while we finish up.”

I went back in the store and began searching for the comic books again. I finally found them, paid, and we went outside.

The minivan was gone.

I ran around the parking lot, looking at every spot to see if I had parked somewhere else, but I knew in my heart that I hadn’t. Someone took the car and Callie with it!

At that moment, I let out a wail – a screaming cry – unlike anything I have experienced before. My soul filled with sorrow and I knew that it was all my fault. My bad choice led to my youngest child being taken, and there was nothing I could do to get her back…

That’s when I woke up. I immediately jumped out of bed and went to Callie’s crib and, of course, she was there sleeping like a baby. But I didn’t feel any better. The rest of the day I felt gloomy, like I had failed as a parent. I looked at pictures of Callie I had printed out and felt like she was really gone – like she had died and I would never see her again.

So last night when I got home from work, I made sure to spend a few minutes with her. I kissed her, hugged her, and talked to her, afraid to let go.

I know it was all a dream, but it really shook me as a person. It scared the poop out of me.

That’s why it took so long to write this post. Do you blame me?

Look at me! I'm on TV! Sort of...

If you live in Oregon, you just might catch my first television debut on a cable access station near you.

No, I'm not an actor or host. No, I had no lines. And no, I wasn't on a miming reality show. In fact, you won't see me on the television at all.

But if you happen to catch a show called LegalLinks that has the topic of Bankruptcy, and if you think to yourself "Man, whoever ran the cameras for this show was amazing!", then you can thank me.

Yes, I ran a camera in a studio and recorded a show that will be playing on television! Keep in mind that I didn't control the show, write the script, run the teleprompter, or anything else. All I did was pan, tilt, and zoom a camera to get the 'best' shot possible.

And I loved it.

My experience with radio stations and newspapers was great, and this brought back those memories. I felt like I was taking part in something that would be beneficial to the world (or as beneficial as a cable access show can be, anyway).

Did I mention that I loved it? Did I mention that my job rocks?

That is all.

Bienvenidos a los Estados Unidos. Hablamos Ingles aqui.

In case you don't read Mexican, let me translate the title of this post for you:

"Welcome to the United States. We speak English here."

And that about sums it up. See you tomorrow.











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Oh, you want more, do you? Well fine!

There I stood, second in line at Old Navy, waiting to pay for some new clothes. I'm getting sick of the polo shirts I wear every day, so I decided to get some new ... polo shirts. But this time I got TWO long-sleeved shirts. This is quite a change for me, as I am usually hot (and sexy) and sweaty. But since I sit at a desk now instead of moving boxes, running up stairs, etc., hopefully I can keep cool while looking cool.

Anyway, there I stood, second in line at Old Navy, waiting to pay for some new clothes. The lady in front of me had two different sets of items: in her right hand was a backpack that had a bright orange clearance price tag stuck to the label; in her left hand she clutched three packages of socks.

I immediately knew that my wait would be a long one. Not because of the lady, but because of the socks. You see, I had just been looking at similar socks and I had seen a sign that said "Men's dress socks 50% off." Under that phrase in small letters it said "Discount taken at register. Regular price $5."

I had been meaning to purchase some socks, so I picked up a bundle of socks that was banded together and looked at the price tag.

Six dollars.

I looked at the sign again and saw that it clearly said 'Regular price $5' so I looked at the single-pack socks directly by the sign and sure enough, their price was $5.

Tricky sign! Luckily, I took the time to read the fine print and figured out that only a small selection of socks was on sale.

So as I stood there, and as I noticed the clearance sticker on the lady's backpack, I thought Great. She thinks those socks are 50% off. She dropped the backpack on the counter and the clerk rang it up. When she did, the lady pointed at the price and began saying something in Spanish.

The clerk looked confused and said "I don't speak Spanish." So the lady grabbed the backpack and put it elsewhere on the counter and said "No!" then proceeded to put the socks down.

Can you guess what happened?

Yes, the clerk rang up the socks and when the total came up the lady started saying something angrily in Spanish again. She seemed pretty upset. The clerk, who had failed to learn Spanish in the interim, failed to understand what was going on. I was just about to speak up and mention the confusing sock pricing when the guy behind me, who happened to be Mexican and with a Mexican girl, stepped around me.

He spoke to the lady for a minute, then said "These prices are wrong. She says everything she has is supposed to be 50% off." The clerk proceeded to show the guy the clearance price tag that was 50% off original price. The lady customer said something else in Spanish and the guy said "It's not 50% off this clearance price?" Then he spoke to the lady some more.

She finally agreed to pay full price for the socks, and as the guy got back into line behind me he said "You should be able to speak Spanish. Every business should have an employee that speaks Spanish." He said it really loud, like he was making a political statement and his girlfriend nodded her agreement.

I wanted to turn around and argue with him, but he seemed to be street-wise, and I wasn't quite sure I would escape without a beating, so I didn't. But here's what I would have said:

"If I moved to Mexico, I wouldn't expect everyone to speak English. In fact, I would learn Spanish as quickly as possible to assimilate myself. I can understand having Spanish-speaking people down near the Mexico border to help with visitors and travelers, but why in the world would someone in Portland, Oregon need to know Spanish? You're in America! You live here! Learn the language!

Seriously, it's an arrogant attitude to say "Everyone here should cater to us." I guarantee you if you went to France or Germany there will be some people who speak English, but the majority won't. And they won't learn it just to make your shopping experience easier. When I went to Germany, Austria and Italy about 10 years ago you had to stay on your toes just to get on the right bus or train, let alone trying to haggle for prices at a store."

Am I off my rocker? I don't think my position is too extreme, but I think a lot of Portlanders would disagree with me...

Well.

I promised to write something every day, so here I am. And yet my brain is empty and I can't think of a good topic. I'll do some random word association until I come up with something. I'll start with a random word or phrase I see in my house and then associate several words...

Big Trouble
Dave Barry
Brad Leonard and Jason Matkins
York College
Mathematics...

And there it is. Did I ever tell you about my original major in college? In case you couldn't guess, it was math. I had been really good at math throughout school (and English too...) and on my ACT test I only missed one point in the math section (and got a perfect score in the Reading Comprehension section).

Why did I take the ACT and not the SAT? Well, apparently the morons in charge of my high school in suburban Wichita, Kansas, thought that the ACT was more important. "It's the preferred test," we were told. So we all took it.

Turns out they were wrong. Thanks so much.

Anyway, since I liked math, and since I was good at it, I decided to major in it. I set off for York College (student population: 450, town population: 7,300) and my first semester I took 19 hours of classes - including Calculus I. I didn't study much that semester, I mainly hung out with Brad and Jason and played NBA Jam, but I got decent grades (A's and B's) so I continued on with Calculus II my second semester.

The first day of class, the teacher said "Every student will do 30 math problems every night. The homework is mandatory."

Knowing my own learning style, I knew that doing 30 problems would be a waste of time, but I said nothing. The next day when everyone handed in their homework, I had nothing. "Mr. Dopps, where is your homework?" he asked.

"I didn't do it. I don't need to," I replied.

"Homework is mandatory," he said. "I expect you to turn it in tomorrow."

But I didn't. I didn't turn in homework the whole semester. My test grades averaged out to a 'B', but the stupid teacher lowered my grade to a 'C' due to my lack of obedience. His attitude, along with my realization that anything over Calculus is theoretical and impractical, led me to change majors.

When I got to Oklahoma Christian University the next year, I looked around the auditorium full of department chairs, frantically trying to pick a new major. Then I saw a sign that said "Journalism" and I gave a sigh of relief. I can do that, I thought. And I signed up.

And here I am, 10 years later, finally writing for a living.

The End

P.S. I loved Dave Barry's columns and books in high school and college. I actually have an autographed picture he sent me. I shared the books with Brad and Jason, and they became a source for in-jokes between us.

The movie "Big Trouble" (which is hilarious) is based on Dave Barry's book of the same name.

Bad blogger!

Hey, folks. I'm sorry to my 'regulars' for not posting more often. I've been sick for about two weeks (read: playing video games) and I just haven't felt up to blogging (seriously, lots of video games).

As a treat, I'm going to try to post something every day this week. Let's see if I have the fortitude to make it... (probably not).

I wish my subconscious would stop putting thoughts in parentheses! Stupid brain.

Anyway, as we head into the cold, wet Christmas season, I want to remind everyone to spread a little joy around the earth. There's enough angry, crappy attitudes to go around, and it is easy to fit in with the jerks (I'm an expert). Smile, tip well, and clean up after yourself.

This Public Service Announcement has been sponsored by the makers of NyQuil, the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, achy, stuffy-head, fever, so-you-can-get-some-rest medicine. Swallow down some NyQuil today! I'm going to!

Guess who's having the Best Week Ever?

Since I last wrote on here, I was sick some more. In fact, I was off work all day Thursday and Friday and I still feel crappy. If I had any sick time built up, I'd take off tomorrow as well.

"You just want to stay home and play cool video games..." you say. But that's not true. I'm certainly enjoying my game time and I've finished several games this week (and traded in for more cool ones...), but I'd much rather be healthy and working. This isn't any fun.

It alternates between coughing fits full of phlegm and sore throats and runny noses. The NyQuil feels glorious as I drift off to sleep, but when I wake up I'm still sick, so it doesn't help much.

But that's not the reason for the fun week.

Remember how Callie threw up last Sunday in our car while we were in Oklahoma? Well, apparently the sickness has a six-day gestation period, because two nights ago Caitlin got sick and almost puked (she slept with a trash bag hanging from her top bunk).

Then last night I had all the kids in bed and Laura had just fallen asleep on the couch when I heard Ethan crying upstairs. I ran up and found puke everywhere - on his bed, on his pillow, on his stuffed animals, on the floor, in the hall - it was a deluge of vomit. I asked Laura to come help me, but, God bless her, she made it to the top of the stairs and sat there in a daze. Seeing how she had just worked 16 hours, I didn't blame her. I got to work and cleaned up the mess, putting the soiled items in a garbage bag and giving Ethan a quick shower.

You might think: How can a guy with OCD touch pukey clothes?

Well, luckily that's not one of my phobias. It feels and smells gross, but it isn't unbearable like frost *shiver* or bugs *silent scream*. Anyway, I scraped up the chunks, but had no real option for getting the liquid out of the carpet, so as I walked around cleaning up, I kept stepping in puke puddles. It wasn't fun.

I finally got everything done and got the kids and Laura in bed. I stayed up a few more minutes, then went to bed. I lay there doing a crossword puzzle when Ethan came into our room...

"My pants are wet," he said. I went over to him and sure enough, his underwear was soaked. I followed him to his bedroom and found his sheets and remaining stuffed animal soaked in urine.

Ugh.

So I stripped the sheets off (again) and put them in a garbage bag (again) and since we didn't have any sheets left for him, I put him up in Caitlin's bed.

They didn't make a sound after that, and today they act like everything is normal, except Ethan says his throat feels 'funny.'

When will the demonic germs leave my house? Can someone hire that midget lady from "Poltergeist" to come cleanse our home? PLEASE?

What a trip.

In case you didn't figure it out by my cryptic comments, we spent the last week or so in Kansas and Oklahoma visiting relatives. This was the first trip in many years that the airline didn't screw us over, so that in itself was a relief. Also, my family didn't fight very much at all, and there weren't any major problems except for the sleeping situation at Dopps camp.

Anyway, to tell you the highlights, I've created a list called: Things I Learned On My Vacation.

1. I can act. Our run-in with a criminal on the first day of the trip gave me the perfect chance to try out my skillz, and it all went smoothly. For more details, ask me.

2. Ticket agents for airlines are bitter, cranky people. Out of the four flights we had booked for the trip, they never gave us seats together. Yet when we went to the gate and asked for new seats, they magically were able to help us. How come the first people couldn't take 10 seconds to make our trip better? Does it really make sense to have 2 adults and 3 kids spread throughout the plane?

3. When I visit my old home, I want to eat at the local restaurants/fast food joints I used to enjoy. For some reason, my mom didn't understand this. "I have plenty of stuff for sandwiches!" she repeated endlessly. She couldn't comprehend that I wanted a Taco Tico burrito instead of a sandwich I can eat any day in Portland. And don't get me started on Chick-Fil-A... I only get to eat it once a year (on average) so NOTHING will stop me.

4. Staying at a camp when you're 10 and everyone else is 10 can be fun. Staying at a camp when you're an adult and you have 8 other adults and 6 kids sleeping in the same room on bunk beds is not as much fun. One kid won't stop coughing. One kids falls out of bed and screams. One kid needs a new bottle, which requires a trip across camp at 3:00 a.m. to get milk from the mess hall. One kid acts like a brat and freaks out when mom goes to console the kid who fell out of bed. One kid wakes up really early and makes a bunch of noise.

Needless to say, I didn't enjoy those two nights very much. I want a refund.

5. When babies throw up in a car, it is frickin' hard to clean up. Seriously, we washed the seat cover, used wipes on the straps, took off the plastic and washed it in the sink, etc. And it still smells like puke. Ugh.

6. Taking a family of five to a Japanese 'cook at your table' restaurant is expensive. I've never spent over $70 on a family dinner before, and I don't plan on doing it again any time soon.

7. Laura's brother Troy and his wife Kellie are selfish. We visited them on Sunday and Monday and Kellie was pregnant. But did she have the baby while we were there so we could see it? Noooo! She waited until Wednesday - two days after we left. Thanks a lot!

8. Tim Priebe, who we knew back in Oklahoma City, is still alive. We randomly ran into him at the Quail Springs mall. Howdy, Tim!

9. Malls in the midwest suck. Seriously, I went to two or three malls on that trip and they were all boring. The malls here in the Portland area have a lot more stores, are brightly lit, and seem alive. The malls back in Kansas are dead inside.

10. Being sick is annoying. I got sick on Sunday night and I'm still not better. It has been almost a full week, and I'm still coughing up nasty stuff every few minutes. Gross. NyQuil, you're my best friend.

The End.