I recently received the following comments on my post about our trip to Kansas:
"Anonymous said...
this biggest baby on the entire trip was you.
AND
if you hate coming here so much, just don't come, rather than being a jerk and airing dirty laundry on the internet."
I think I can safely assume who left this nugget of wisdom and I have this to say in response: Neener Neener. I didn't 'air dirty laundry' and I never said I hated coming to Wichita. I discussed two specific phone calls I received, neither of which involved you.
The truth is, Laura and I knew before we left town that this trip wasn’t going to be ‘fun’ for us in the traditional sense. We knew that my family would be emotional, and, based upon past visits, we knew that no decisions we make can keep everyone happy - someone will always be upset. So we took it in stride and kept a good attitude the entire trip (except for my impatience with my dad on the phone at the airport, which I’ve already discussed).
When it turned out there would be more people staying at my brother’s house than we were initially told (there were 14 people staying there for two of the nights!), we didn’t complain.
When I found out I had to sleep on a trundle bed and couldn’t even share a bed with my wife, I didn’t complain.
When we got to church on Sunday morning and realized that none of our family could sit together because the auditorium was full, we didn’t complain.
When we ended up going through a cafeteria line after church with our three kids plus two extra kids – and nobody to help us – we didn’t complain.
When we went to lunch with my sister a couple of days later and had already ordered and sat down when my dad showed up with three more kids – only to drop them off and leave immediately, causing me to have to go back through the line and order more food while mine got cold – we didn’t complain.
When I couldn't swim because of my staph infection, but sat in a deck chair and sweated while watching the others swim, I didn't complain (much). Two days in a row.
Much of the trip was not fun. Yet Laura and I didn’t fight with anyone, didn’t argue, and only complained to each other.
To put it another way: my wife and kids and I don't get to take 'vacations.' Our trips and time off from work are spent almost exclusively going to Kansas to spend time with my family. Not only that, but Laura and I work opposite shifts and very rarely get to spend time together. So spending time with my wife on this trip was as important to me – if not more important - as spending time with my extended family.
But nobody cared about that. They could only see things from their own viewpoint, which sounds like this:
We don’t get to see Dustin’s family very often. When they are in town, we want to spend as much time as possible with them, even if they have other plans.
We’ve been planning their trip for weeks. We have tons of great ideas of what we want to do with them while they’re in town. They should be willing to go with the flow and do what we want to ensure the best time for everyone. After all, we live here. We know which restaurants are best, which stores are best, how time can best be utilized, etc. because we are locals.
There’s nothing wrong with this point of view. I’m not saying they shouldn’t be excited to see us and they shouldn’t want to spend time with us. However, if you look at things from the other perspective…
My wife and kids and I think like this:
Finally a vacation! We get to spend a week off of work, free to do what we want, when we want. And even better, we get to spend that time together. Callie recently said “I like when Momma and Daddy are both here.” We do too and it’s not nearly often enough.
We know the trip will be planned in advance of our arrival. After all, we’re going to a wedding that has been a year in the making. We fully expect to have specific tasks and appointments (picking up tuxes, attending the rehearsal, attending the wedding, etc.) and we’ll do what we can to make them work smoothly. But we won’t ignore one fact: we’ve got three kids with minds of their own. They might not want to sit at a wedding reception for four hours with nothing to do…
When it comes time to eat food, it’s great that sibling A suggested these two restaurants and sibling B suggested these two. But we’re really in the mood for THIS restaurant, which we don’t get to eat at often. It’s a bit expensive, but this is our vacation so we can splurge. We’re not making this decision to hurt sibling A or sibling B’s feelings, we just want to enjoy our time off of work (and food is something I’m very picky about).
When it comes time to plan an activity for tonight’s “free time,” we’re the guests – the visitors in town – and we’re the ones on vacation. I think it is fair for us to decide what we want to do. Maybe tonight we want to see some of my old friends who live here. That’s not a slight against my family, rather it is something that is very important to me. If it didn’t fit in with your plans, then I apologize. But I never offered up our plans for you to take control of…
There’s a big difference between those views. They’re both selfish – we’re all trying to maximize our time together for our own personal benefit – but since this is basically our one vacation for the immediate future (and trust me, we paid for all $1,600 of the plane tickets), I don’t think it is unfair to give us some leeway and let us move at our own speed while we are there.
Derin goes on trips to Disney theme parks every year. He gets vacations where he can make the rules and maximize his idea of fun. My parents go on trips multiple times in a year where they can make the rules. They have time to relax and feel comfortable. In fact, my mom is ‘sick of’ going on cruises because she’s been on so many.
So what’s wrong with me wanting some down-time on my vacation? What’s babyish about wanting to do things that I enjoy, even if you don’t enjoy them? When 3/4 of my trip is scheduled before I even arrive in town, that last 1/4 becomes precious and I plan on making use of it.
And that, dear readers, is how you alienate yourself from your family. You tell them why your viewpoint is different from theirs, then they get upset.